Maturity.. Or the lack of it!

I always wonder how my life would have turned out if i had rocked my college a little more maturity style. But then i realize no one knows. It might have turned a 100 different ways and i am better off not knowing it because the reality of it all is what I am now.

College... 4 yrs of it... I dont know how it went by but there are so many things which i did during then that i am so ashamed of... I cant make myself to disclose all of them here because well basically i am ashamed to do so. But i can always say Sorry to them if they are reading.

Sorry to Mom n Dad and my young(back then) sister for deciding to quit college and in the most blatantly stupid/absurd manner at that. I guess thinking back now, i should have confided more in you. I can still see the look on your faces when i saw you after that and the feeling that i made you go through that is something which will haunt me till my grave. I should be Sorry to my friends as well who also had to suffer some because of that.

And i am sorry to you as well Shiva.. I still dont know why i did what i did! And i am still so thankful for the way you handled it. Worst punishment, is for me to go through my life with a pang of guilt every time i think of you and i surely deserve it.

To be honest, i have lived all my life with a sense of Inferiority. I always hanged out with a group in which i was inadequate in so many ways. Thinking back i really dont think there was not anything wrong with that. What was wrong was i wasn't ready to live with what i was. I always Acted out / Lied to try and impress people into thinking i am something or someone else. Sad part was i used to do it even to my close friends. And for that I am sorry to all of them.

I am sorry to those people who thought i had more potential and who kept encouraging me to do better. Because i now realize that i could have done better. Much better. But Laziness and a lack of confidence has brought me to a place where people around me feel that i have under achieved. And so do I.

And finally even though I am not Sorry to myself, I am sorry for myself because to this day I dont feel comfortable under my own skin and prefer to be someone else all the time. This feeling sorry for self can be considered as Self Pity but believe me i dont feel pity for myself right now, i just feel pity for the person i was all this time which made me what i am now.

But the silver lining in all of it is, God blessed me with a great family and some wonderful friends who in spite of all that i mentioned above and countless of other things which

i haven't mentioned, have been with me throughout and always made me feel better than i was. I cant promise to change overnight but i am trying to show you that i realize my flaws and am not oblivious to them and i am trying to work on them!